Sure, we all engage with our moods on some sort of emotional pendulum. up and down, high and low, left to right. We often tend to go with the morning one and allow it to grow and morph its way devilishly through the day. A denial to ourselves of happiness, a lingering mind melt into scathing negativity. Why do we do this though, well I suppose its just because we can and probably because our anxious brains are hardwired so differently to those who wake to seize the day and are positive in all that they do.
I wish that I could tell you that as I have recognised this a long time ago, that I am able to change my outlook somewhat, but I have not, and you see, I dont even know if I want to. Its like some bizarre self destructive gene inside of me gives me some diverse or preverse pleasure in denying myself a basic form of happiness. I know, sounds like a omplete contradiction. And, I suppose it is, though damned if I know why. Although, with all that being said, there are happy days, those peaks that come about and hang about with me for a while, then the troughs start to re-emerge, and I say re-emerge as they are the common feature of my existence, they are the lingerers, the langoliers of mine own true bullshit self. The self that wallows and holds grudges, the self that denies happiness only to enshroud by personality with scathing, yet quiet anger, even denies those around me to understand why I am this way by masking it so well.
Dont get me wrong,as I said I mask it well. At work I can come across as a real together guy that is quite capable in his day to day self. Quite the egoless focused community worker that drives for inclusion and fairness and you know, all the good stuff that we know we should strive for in the hope of betterment and equality. So the quandry is for me at least, even though I work in my job as somebody who fights for those that need help the most, for those that are most socially excluded in our society, the irony to all that is that privately I struggle a lot and actually have socially excluded me from my own self.
How about that.