It would be fair to say that I dont like my Mother in law. Nearly a year past since we spoke due to her outbursts toward me, my wife and my own family. To be fair to her, it is apparent that she has an undiagnosed mental health issue that propels her to the peak of mother in law from hellness. Though, when you love your wife and want to grow and mature as a living entitity you may agree to put yourself in the company of people that you either dont respect or care for. Then, a family meetup beckoned. It was in another county so we always had the option for leaving as the long journey dictated we do so to beat the darkness. So, a brief apology later from herself and by accidental means I ended up sat next to her (cosy wozy). Unemotional, but not too obvious, I answered her questions. ( Keep it light man, dont bring up the war) A walk later ( without her) with the rest of the family and a pleasant afternoon was spent with my inlaws whereas the small fella could spend some time with his gangad and, Uncle, Aunt and cousins.
A long history of reflecting disdain for my Mother in law has ensued, some 19 years at this stage. she has an adverse affect on all those she comes into contact with mind you. Though, with my pal, ol` anxiety, I tend to dissect every occurence I have with her as I do with most of my other collection of triggers. Often when alone, and in the car ride home, starting in thought only then progressing vocalised toward the end of my one sided conversation with plenty of blue words that match my present rage that has since now snowballed vicously since the start of same conversation. And that I suppose is the crux of it, the mind seems to escalate those triggers in one way, and one way only, a very negative one. The mind never escalates it in a positive way. The mind almost always quenches the fires of postivity as if not to get its own hopes up,or so as not to let me down. As if it cares for me (really? news to me). I dont know if that makes much sense, but that is the way it seems.
I read previously somewhere that looking in the mirror and telling youself for a minute or two in the morning something positive can set you up for the day, but my synicsm wont allow it ,simply wont even entertain it. So therefore its all the negative thoughts or scenarios (albeit in my head) are the ones that slip through the filter net and fester into a one sided vitriol of bad feeling and pissed offness. They always win. The trick for me is yet to be decided. I feel that I am hear to learn and I am looking for that trick. But arent we all a work in progress. Anyways, there are other people in my life, and I value them too deeply to not see myself get to a better place.